Yesterday, I became a dad to a baby boy named Axl. My life changed for the better—and forever—and I couldn’t be happier about it.

I can’t wait to teach him the things I believe he needs to know, help him with his schoolwork, or take him to the sports he wants to play. I’m confident I can do a “good enough” job.

By “good enough,” I’m referring to a conversation I had with my psychologist. We talked about how, although no one is perfect, my parents provided better examples than what they were given. She explained that kids thrive when they are given “good enough” upbringings. “Good enough” represents the standard—the bare minimum—but I want to achieve more than that, much more.

Today, I want to write about the birth itself and the expectations I had going into it. Specifically, I want to address the expectations that were implanted in my head by other men. These expectations have been remarkably similar, repeated by almost everyone who told me “how it is” since before I can remember.

While there were one or two things that surprised me, and the placenta did look a bit gross, the rest of the experience couldn’t have been further from what I was led to expect.

One thing people said turned out to be both right and wrong: they told me I would look at my partner differently. I do—but not in the negative way I was led to believe. Instead, I feel our bond has strengthened, as has my bond with Axl.

Being actively involved in the pregnancy—making decisions, providing practical assistance, and simply being present—made me feel more connected to the process. It also seemed to bring the mother joy and confidence, both in me and in our baby’s future.

“Men’s involvement in the childbirth process was associated with a stronger perceived bond with both the partner and the newborn. Their presence helped promote a calm and successful childbirth process.” —Lwanga et al., 2017

This study, conducted in Uganda—a male-dominated society where men don’t often attend births—found that when men were involved in childbirth and the pregnancy process, outcomes were better for everyone involved.

Although this may seem like an extreme example, given the high rates of men not being involved in Uganda due to cultural norms, it highlights how men’s attitudes can significantly affect the well-being of women and children. Even in more moderate contexts, such as the attitudes I encountered growing up, I believe there is still a negative influence on the health and well-being of partners and children. I believe we can do better.

In a study based on Australian fathers’ perceptions of birth (Vischer et al., 2020), the vast majority of men recognized the benefits of fathers attending births for everyone involved.

While the situation in Australia is undoubtedly better than that described in Uganda, and not everyone is exposed to the same attitudes I was, I still feel a responsibility to share information and positive stories about childbirth. I believe that framing the experience of pregnancy and childbirth in a more positive light can improve many outcomes.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, and this is not medical advice. Additionally, I am not addressing perceptions based on the actual risks and complications that are always present during pregnancy and childbirth.